There's a Grief That Can't Be Spoken

I'm too tired and sad to make a happy post.

I was informed last Thursday (Valentine's Day, of course) that Soldier had passed away. He was found out in his pasture after being turned out. There didn't appear to be any signs of a struggle or pain involved in his passing. It seemed to be a quick thing.

I pray he passed without pain. I can't even bear to imagine him in pain.

That horse was my baby. He taught me more about patience, perseverance, and caring than any other horse I have ridden and worked with. Soldier was my teacher in the way of understanding a horse and taking their emotional state into account. He was so special to me in ways that I can't even describe. I've never understood what people mean when they say a piece of their heart went with the animal and now I do.

I hate that I can now only see him in the pictures and videos I have of him.I have to touch my computer screen to even remember what it was like to pet him. I hate that I can't go out and pet his soft little nose. I hate that I have no one to share my boxes of Nerds and Smarties with. Those were always his favorite.

No more trail rides on a happy prancing horse that liked to flick his tail up and snort at the wind. No more joyful greeting snorts from the greatest horse in the world.

My boy is gone and I never got to say goodbye.

I would love to know when the spontaneous crying and tears will stop but I know it never will and I almost don't want it to. It feels like if it stops, that means I've stopped caring. I feel like this pain will always be in my stomach and I know that it will never go away. That horse took something of my heart with him when he left and I'll never get it back.

I'll eventually get around to writing our story together but not right now, it was hard enough to write this short entry.

Here's to the greatest horse. We will meet again some day.

I love you forever Soldier.