There's a Grief That Can't Be Spoken

I'm too tired and sad to make a happy post.

I was informed last Thursday (Valentine's Day, of course) that Soldier had passed away. He was found out in his pasture after being turned out. There didn't appear to be any signs of a struggle or pain involved in his passing. It seemed to be a quick thing.

I pray he passed without pain. I can't even bear to imagine him in pain.

That horse was my baby. He taught me more about patience, perseverance, and caring than any other horse I have ridden and worked with. Soldier was my teacher in the way of understanding a horse and taking their emotional state into account. He was so special to me in ways that I can't even describe. I've never understood what people mean when they say a piece of their heart went with the animal and now I do.

I hate that I can now only see him in the pictures and videos I have of him.I have to touch my computer screen to even remember what it was like to pet him. I hate that I can't go out and pet his soft little nose. I hate that I have no one to share my boxes of Nerds and Smarties with. Those were always his favorite.

No more trail rides on a happy prancing horse that liked to flick his tail up and snort at the wind. No more joyful greeting snorts from the greatest horse in the world.

My boy is gone and I never got to say goodbye.

I would love to know when the spontaneous crying and tears will stop but I know it never will and I almost don't want it to. It feels like if it stops, that means I've stopped caring. I feel like this pain will always be in my stomach and I know that it will never go away. That horse took something of my heart with him when he left and I'll never get it back.

I'll eventually get around to writing our story together but not right now, it was hard enough to write this short entry.

Here's to the greatest horse. We will meet again some day.

I love you forever Soldier.

Blergh in the Blog

Dear friend,

I have finally found Charles Dickens book that I enjoy! It's only the most obvious choice in the world: Oliver Twist. I love it. I've always loved the movie renditions so the book was the obvious next step. Aside from my discovery that I don't totally loathe Charles Dickens, school is super boring right now. My brain is in over drive trying to piece everything together and remember when everything is due.

This week at school is also a total drag because of Valentine's Day. I wish I had the ability to be one of those girls that are like "yeah singledom! Go girl power! I am a successful independent woman! Woo!" Alas, I am not. I hate Valentine's Day because it makes me feel uber shitty about myself no matter what anyone says. Granted, I have friends that more than make-up for this but still...

I went over to Erin's again this past weekend (BIG shocker, I know) since the NCMA banquet was Saturday and Dash won Reserve Champion in Open Hunter Pleasure. I was so proud! Princess Dashel worked very hard this season. Now that it's the off season, coming up to show season, I asked Erin to give me a hunt equitation lesson. Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch. Even my abs hurt. I've become very complacent in my riding and I need to fix that before show season if I want any chance at doing well.

I also proceeded to get back to Erin's house and fall down the stairs. I don't know how it happened or why but I swear I did major damage to my tailbone. So what do I do? I ride two horses on Monday! Oh man. That killed but I never turn down a ride. NEVER!

Today I slipped and fell into a puddle and was stuck with wet jeans all day. That was so great. Good thing I have a sense of humor about my own clumsiness.

This is the most uninteresting post ever in the history of blog posts since I don't actually put what's happening in my life out into the public sphere. I'm pretty shameless but not that much. I'm not as interesting as some seem to think I am. Although, I do hope to meet a lot of my Facebook friends at shows this year!

I'll blog something more interesting sometime this week. I'm contemplating putting some of my fiction writing works up on here but I'm very self-conscious about those so we'll see.

For those of you who want to see an excellent made-for-TV series, here's BBC's Oliver Twist (Tom Hardy as Bill Sykes...oh yes).

Wednesdays Are the Mondays of the Middle of the Week

My theory of Wednesdays being the Mondays of the middle of the week has been proven yet again. I'm pretty sure I was just in one of those "look at me and die" moods, but all the same. I hate Wednesdays.

Let's start out with the fact that I bought a coffee today that had triple the caffeine in it. Har har, they must totally be lying I thought to myself. No. No they were not. I was sitting in class and everything was exciting. Even the most depressing things ever were exciting. Crusades? WOAH THAT'S AWESOME IN A TOTALLY SHOCKING DISGUSTING WAY. Pillaging? HOLY CRAP THAT'S AMAZING. Knights killing innocent people? HOLY CRAP THAT'S TERRIBLE! Everything was loud and in capital letters in my head. All of this joy for $1.50. I will be purchasing that again.

So then I go to my next class and I've got the shakes and everything. If it tells you anything, I was the person at the bus stop with an open coat swinging my arms around and looking at the sky. It was embarrassing but I couldn't help it. Professor asks in my next class why this dude Endymion sounds like he hates all happy things. He's just woken up out of a drug induced dream and everything that was once beautiful is now ugly. My response to his very deep, thoughtful question? HEY PROFESSOR, HE SOUNDS LIKE HE HAS A WICKED HANGOVER.

What.

What?

No.

Did that actually just come out of my mouth?

The sad part? I was being serious. My logic being that he was just drugged. Professor agreed with me in that yes, he probably does have a hangover but he was more looking for the answer of depression.

Oh

Well my answer was far more interesting.

So then I get to my Victorian Literature class where we are reading Oliver Twist. This girl in this class has this nasty habit of hmmming and hawing when she agrees with the teacher. So she asked a question and the professor gave like a 5 minute explanation. So the whole time she's explaining her answer this girl is sitting there making all of these agreeing noises and I'm just sitting there staring at her going OH MY GOD BE QUIET.  STOP MAKING NOISE! Then this girl on my other side whipped out a loaf of bread from her backpack. WTF? Why do you have a loaf of bread in your backpack? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

I couldn't handle today.

In other news, it's almost show season. Fall Out Boy is touring. Dash won an end of the year award.

Huzzah!